I Thought I saw a Teacher Toiling in a Tizzy. I DID! I DID!

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved. Psalm 127:1-2 

When I read this today, I found myself faced with a crisis of sort.  How do I KNOW that God's hand has been in a situation, but still feel as though I am anxiously toiling in vain?  If "character growth" is all that is supposed to result from the last 2 years of my life, I certainly know for a fact that I have not grown enough to believe it has been worth it.  The very fact that I’m even thinking about it proves my point.  If anything I have become less patient, less kind, and have generally failed at doing well most things I am responsible for as a wife/mother/teacher/friend.
I’m sorry to say that I’m a little bitter that all my toiling has been worthless and laughable.  My (considerable) toiling has not produced spiritually rich children, living in the fruit of the Spirit, who love God and want to study his word willingly.  My (consistent/persuasive/nagging) toiling has not produced kindness, appreciation, respect, or financial freedom.  My toiling (sacrifices) hasn’t eased my husband burdens, lessened his load, or successfully conjured up financial freedom for our family. 

My efforts have produced very little growth in my character other than serve to increase my understanding of how weak my own will is, and how unworthy and helpless I am to change myself.  Everything I thought that I could do well, has been shown either worthless or embarrassingly subpar. 

Is it possible to toil so hard at “Working for the Lord” so that it can be expressed in forced attitude, (in absence of FELT)  that the mark is missed by a mile?   

 Even though I trust the sovereignty of my Heavenly Father, and KNOW he is ever present and can make all things good, that is plans for me are good…somehow I still know that His hand has been at work in me being in this very place.  If only I knew that THIS is the path I am supposed to be on and that I haven’t taken a wrong turn??  It would make this pain and toil and frustration easier to reckon.  For the feeling I have is this…THIS guard has been watching in vain.  This mother/wife/teacher has been anxiously building and toiling early and late…in vain. 

If this is true…
I’m willing to humble myself, to admit failure and defeat.  I’ll even take the blame, if it’s being passed around.  But where do I go from here??  I don’t want my failures causing more consequences for the people around me.  I don’t want to be the cause of harming someone watching me because of my ruined testimony for the day.  I don’t want to make the great name of my God any less in anyone’s eyes or faith.  ESPECIALLY my children’s! 

 There is only one place I can think to go. “ Create in my a pure heart, O God, and renew a RIGHT SPIRIT within me….”

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. Psalm 145: 18-19

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6


Wednesday, January 18, 2012 | | 0 Comments  

Subscribe to: Comments (Atom)

Pages

Followers

Powered by Blogger.